I don't really have a  reason to have a blog other then to have a  place to complain. I know life is hard. I get it. I know most peoples lives are harder then mine. And I know that everyone just wants that one thing that would make everything complete. Some people want a house or a kid or a dog or another box of kraft dinner. Atleast they know that they want and their not floating around trying to figure out what to do next. I am so over the standard thing that people do . I want to get married and I want to have kids but I just feel like when I do, someones gonna be there telling me I'm not doing it right. I feel like I could be 19 forever and just drink and smoke and let my bills pile up. Money is such bullshit. If I had had a kid by now, every single person I know would say behind my back that it was a terrible idea and that i was just another statistic. And we all dream of a big wedding when we;'re kids, but then we get older and watch a wedding show and realise that theres no fucking way I would have a big wedding if I was stuck paying for it for the next 3 years. That's why we all get married in the woods and say it's romantic. Life is complicated but exciting and I just want to be a part of something bigger then me. I don't want to go to school because I feel like it's just another thing you do. I havea career chopice and it's something that you pretty much have to go to school for so it'll happen when everyone jsut stops asking me about it. I feel terrible that my boyfriend works to support both of us but a small part of me says "you did it for three years, just let him work for a bit and make him understand what I went through" and then I feel terrible again for thinking that. I have pushed away everyone around me bcause I assumed it would make me figure things out easier but instead it just made thigns harder. There are old friends reaching out to me and it terrifies me that they'll judge me for something. I don't really know what for. This feels better to jsut say sall this in my head and type it out somewhere.